Chapter 3..

People get drunk, high and have a good time in the club, its easy to get "caught up in the moment". There can be so many fails, scandals at clubs, no wonder why most people (people who are ashamed) see me and act like they don't talk to me in person at clubs. It’s quite funny how some people do the "obvious" look away when I stare at them. Then they come to the door and act like we hang like nuts.

Jab yourself.

At one club, I got told by one of the bartenders that he thought something dodgy was happening in the toilets. The toilets in this club, you could easily see over the door to see who is in the cubicle.

I walked into the toilets and looked over the door.

A guy was sitting back on the toilet seat, with the biggest smile in the world. When I looked down to see the girl, I noticed that she had big shoulders, and arms with a lot of definition. That's when I realised it was a drag queen giving head to another guy.

Admittedly, I ran out laughing, and I went up to the front door. I went to the head doorman and asked whether he could lift a patron out of the toilets. He goes down to the toilet and yells out real loud. I hear a guy yell, followed by a male screaming like a female lol. 

The guy comes outside, and is getting angry and swearing at us. His friends notice him getting kicked out and they all ran outside as well. He starts hyping up and his boys start getting angry. I find out, that it’s his stag night, and the whole stag party was now outside. A guy comes down, and asks politely why their friend got kicked out, they wanted to know. He explained that it was his stag, and that the groom was with a chick in the bathroom.

I pointed at the drag that was now sitting down on the seat up from the club, fixing its make up. And said "That is the girl that was giving him head"

The best man looks at the drag and bursts out laughing and tells the rest of the stag.  The grooms face at first, was of shock. 

Then it to turned into realisation, and he ran off. His stag ran after him laughing.

I never saw him ever again. I wonder if he got married.

A lot of scandals happen in the toilet. I remember seeing a NSW rugby legend passed out in urinal. I radioed all the security guys to help me get him out. Most of the guys were Queensland fans and we were all laughing. 


A majority of you would have at one time, had sex, or thought of having sex in the club toilets. That shit is disgusting. Pubes all over the place, piss on the floor, you most likely would of caught something.

I also remember at the end of the night at one of the clubs I worked at, there was a guy passed out in the toilets. Fucked up thing was his pants were down and he had shat all over himself. Me and the other security guards were yelling out and laughing, trying to wake him up without touching him. I threw a glass of water on him and he woke up. He looks up, apologises and pulls his pants up. We nearly spew as he walks past us. We follow him out of our club, he turns the corner, and joins the line of another club.

Fucked up thing, he made it inside the next club hahaha No lies. 

  

Remember, we see it all, girlfriends cheating on boyfriends, boyfriends being sluts. The best one was my mate, outside telling me he is going to be a better man to his wife. He was going to be a loyal husband from here on out, and that thing's were different now. Couple hours later I see him sandwich in between two girls. He has his arms stretched out, and his face looked like he was in a state of true bliss. Then he opened them and saw me, and ran off. Hahahaha Musicians aye lol We still laugh about it now. I think he is only a slut when he see's me lol 


And don't think its just you that fail, bouncers fail too.. and some, fail miserably. I worked with this guy, and he literally had every girl after him. But he was a freak, and was quite open about it. A dwarf walks into the club, and sits by him. They start drinking, 15 mins later he has her on his lap and he is bouncing her up and down.


No lies, the next night at work, he started describing to us the sex they had hahaha And he was a GIANT compared to her hahaha

We all fail, its all good, blame it on the liquor, blame it on that time of the month, blame it on your hoe tendencies, blame it on your boner. Your not a full time slut, just a part time slut.

Remember, love your wife, and not everybody else's wife. 

Change your life.


Eti RedScarf

Fail club hoe

If the story applies to you. Control your mind, and change your life.

Slut.

Reminder, this is a True Story. (club name and parties involved will not be named.. Just ask me in person and I will tell you bahaha)

So im standing on the door at work with 2 bouncers. The club is packed and there is a long line outside. Also, that night, there is a $50 cover charge on the door.

As Im staring off into space because Im bored at work, I hear the bouncer next to me say "Fuck off... But ask that bouncer there" and he points towards me while he is giggling.

This girl walks up to me smiling CONFIDENTLY. I say to her "whats up?"
She looks at me directly in the eyes and replies

"If I take you down stairs and suck you off, can you let me in for free plus my three mates?"

I crack up thinking it's a joke, but she still stands there, smiling confidently, waiting for an answer. I look at her and tell her

"fuck HELL no.. But go talk to that bouncer over there" as I point towards my head doorman.

She kinda shrugs her shoulders and walks towards him, still smiling confidently.

Me and the first bouncer start giggling and pretend not to stare.

I don't hear there EXACT conversation but I suddenly see my head doorman, nod his head, and hold her hand, as he lead her downstairs into the club.
At this point me and the other bouncer are looking at each other, pissing our pants laughing.I remember laughing so hard, it literally hurt lol.

15 mins later she walks out looking happy and waits outside. The head doorman not long, walks out. At this point she asks out aloud "So, I can get my friends in now?"

The head doorman, with a face of disgust replies (quiet loudly)
"That was the worst blow job I ever had, that was so shit, I'm only got let you in and ONE friend. The rest have to pay the cover charge"

Me, the other bouncer, and the whole line outside breaks out in laughter. She looks across to her friends, then looks back at the head doorman and starts yelling at him. The head doorman, just shakes his head and walks back into the club.

(Remember, this is a TRUE story)

So we are outside laughing at her, while she stands there arguing with everyone. The head doorman returns in the space of 5 mins, and yells at her

"You forgot these, you useless slut"

And he throws her panties in the middle of the side walk. At this point, everyone falls over laughing. She gets so embarrased, that she storms off across the road.

(And it still doesn't end here, remember, this is a TRUE story)

So some time has passed, and we are no longer really laughing about it anymore. The line has gotten much smaller. Suddenly in the corner of my eye, I notice a guy staring at the panties on the ground. I tap the bouncer, and tell him to keep an eye on the guy. Then, suddenly the guy bends over and pretends to tie his shoe lace. He quickly picks up the panties and walks towards the back of our line.

At this point we are falling over each other laughing. The guy doesn't notice us laughing and looking. The guy then pulls the panties out of the side of his jacket and gives them a discreet SNIFF!!! hahahaha

This is a true story.

The girl never returned to the club, but her friends still came down in the following weeks and even laughed with us about the story. I still see that guy who picked up the panties walking round the streets to this day... Yiah, he has NEVER been allowed into any club I work at lol

So whats the moral of the story?

Is it, "not to trust the bouncer"?

"Don't leave your panties in the club toilets?"

"Just pay the cover charge?"

"Don't EVER smile confidently before you perform FAIL oral sex?"

There are many lessons that you can learn from this. She was a FAIL for asking and expecting things to be sorted over an ORAL agreement lol But then again, that bouncer was what I like to call "The Wolf in sheeps clothing" haha

Just remember, girls you don't have to lower your standards (and morals, ethics etc) JUST to get into a club. Its just a club okay. Nothing else special lol

If you read this and feel that I am talking to you, then please, Change your life you slut. Aids and STD's is funny.. until your at the doctors asking for some special cream for that rash lol

Slut.




Eti RedScarf

View from the door..

So, I been working in the clubbing scene since 1999, that's a shit load of time. For ages alot of people have been saying I should write a blog about things I have seen. I have done alot in terms of security. I have worked in small clubs, to large venues. I have done personal security for a lot of touring artists in Auckland, from Memphis Bleek and Young guru, Naughty By Nature, Brian Mc Knight, Lupe Fiasco... just to name a few. haha I have become something of a "famous bouncer" if that makes sense. I also look after a few clubs, so at this current time, Im head of security for Hitch Bar and Be Club.

Now what I don't get, is that guys that try and catch ur eye to skip the line. When there is a long line outside, you have so many people come to the door with excuses to cut through. Some are hillarious lines "I need to go inside sir, cos Im really horny" (personal favourite) other people do the whole "Do you not know who I am?" Girls will try and show a lil more clevage and batter there eyes at you. But the worst is the male that trys to catch your eye.
Nothing more pathetic than seeing a guy act like that. I respect you more if you come up and just talk to me lol Guys that act like groupies, you just need to uppercut yourself. Don't try and kiss the bouncers ass, because nobody likes an ass kisser. Lol some of these guys do more than kiss ass, they blantantly pash your ass ha ha Unless your my girl, or Salma Hayek, pls, don't kiss my ass.

It gets worse when they try and bribe me with $5-$10 to skip the line, if thats what your flashing buddy, why the hell should I let u in? lol

Im not an asshole by the way, Im just paid to do a job. We get angry at the Parking warden for writing up your ticket, but thats his JOB, it dont mean he's an asshole. People want a club with hot girls, and good lookin dudes.. so what the fuck would I let your dirty ass in? lol Im just good at being honest haha

Some guys get all angry and puff up there chest when I don't let them in, lol I'm sorry, but you got a hair cut like T Boz, your wearing tight jeans and something that looks like a blouse. Its like they stare real hard at u.. like they gonna memorise your face.. Hope they don't go home and have an angry wank over it lol Relax homie, there are so many clubs in Auckland, u don't NEED to come into this one club.

Classic one is the guy who gets denied.. then starts swearing and saying shit like "fuck this place anyway, didn't want to come in here" hahaha if you didnt want to come in homeboy, why did u line up in the first place, pls, jab yourself.

You have the guy, who not only threatens you, but seems to get bigger and louder... the further they move away from you. Some guys need to grow up, that shit is childish. I've had guns pulled out on me before... twice, and they didnt give me a lecture when they were gonna do it lol They just pulled them out haha

You have the annoying guy who just let in, just so you don't have to talk to them. And they go on and on about shit that ain't funny, talk about getting bitches (which they usually don't) and all they wanna do is just hang like nuts. Yiah.. no. Im sorry, but does my face looks like it gives a fuck? hahaha I'm playing, but if your annoying, pls, go plank in the middle of the motorway.

But not all guys are rude dudes, I met some real cool guys on the door, majority of the guys i actually talk to, they are my peoples. And im usually cool with there partners.. but funny ones are the guys that ask me nicely "Yo, can you give me a heads up when my mrs come's through?" hahahaha PLAYING UP hahaha I got ur back like bra strap boys.

Anyway, thats todays blog, and for a first, I think its okay. Be safe everyone, be cool, and let Jesus into your life so he change your ways... But tell Satan to first get out of your bedroom lol



Eti RedScarf